Waiting in the Garden on Maundy Thursday

“Watch and pray.” These words of Jesus stuck out to me as I read Matthew 26:36-46. I imagine tired disciples, feeling mixed emotions after a long day and an oddly ceremonious meal, but together as always. Did they realize this was a significant moment in the story?

Jesus is also weary. He knows the time is near. He’s brought his dear companions of three years to a quiet garden to pray. Did they come here often? Was it a usual, trusted sanctuary? Jesus brings just a few with him to pray more privately, deeper into the garden. Was there tension in the air? Or simply the quiet hum of crickets and a soft breeze?

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We know the story, the disciples fall asleep. Some have used this passage to condemn them for their apathy and inaction. I think there is yet another way to consider what Jesus said.

Waiting is a type of prayer.

— Barbara Brown Taylor

As I consider what Jesus says, I wonder, is it a command or an invitation? In my experience, watching is observing, staying attentive, and maybe implies stillness or patience rather than action. Prayer is also a variety of things, but I recently heard it described as “allowing yourself to be loved by God.” This is an interesting request for Jesus to make considering the sorrow he was experiencing as he waited. His appeal isn’t exactly productive or a solution, but it is meaningful. He wants to wait with others.

The idea of God’s having any needs at all, let alone needing us, may sound like an alien, even heretical idea, yet is is a realization that many contemplatives come to. Theologically, if God is indeed all-loving — if God is Love — then that love must necessarily temper God’s omnipotence. Love always transforms power, making it something softer, deeper, and richer… Thus true omnipotence may not be found in a distant and separate power over something or someone, but rather in the intimate experience of being wounded for and with.

— Gerald May, M.D., The Dark Night of the Soul, A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth

Jesus’ words urge me to stay open and attentive to the love of God, even when I’m faced with confusion, stress, or anger. His command certainly doesn’t diminish the validity in these feelings but it does hint at a larger story.

Reflecting on various circumstances I considered how I could watch and pray in the midst of uncertainty. How can I allow myself to be loved by God? Where is God waiting with me? I’ll warn you, it’s no quick fix. There’s lots to chew on there. I’m still facing some anxiety but it was refreshing to be reminded that I am loved deeply by a God who knows the depths of suffering and questioning.

And so, as Lent ends and Easter approaches, please know you’re not the only one waiting or feeling too weary to pray. And you’re not the only one aching for a resurrection.

(This post is pulled and slightly modified from my March 2020 newsletter.)